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If this is for the wrong reason, it should be stopped.
If love is blinding me, then where is the love?
If being too nice is wrong, then stop me from being so nice.
If walking away is too hard, someone please help!
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Last night as i was sitting by the river at Esplanade, i felt completely lost.
The plans i had, the directions i thought was plain to follow and all the dreams i had, just seemed so faraway. It felt like none of those was ever going to happen. It felt as though i was just getting on with life.
I don’t want to just go with the flow, to just get on with life, to just wait for everything to fall into place. I want to make things happen, have a plan, have some dreams to pursue.
I’m lost.
There is no directions, not even a passerby for me to follow.
Okay so now i am back again to this cyber world. Was chatting online and felt so detached from the world. I have 500 emails unopened and some other crazy shit.
Juggling my work and studies all at the same time is not easy at all. Though work can be quite fun, having fun and getting high sometimes.
I am going to live alone no more! YAY!
Earl and i just found a place to rent, and we will be moving out 1 February. Though i am excited as hell because cohabiting is like the final step towards commitment, it can be scary as hell. Things are always unpredictable and unexpectable.
Good thing that my folks are cool about it. (=
Anyhow, my prelims will be on 27 Feb, and i have studied nothing. Crunch time starts after i move into our new place. Looking forward to eat breakfast with my love in the mornings and being in his arms all night long.
Somehow despite all our financial constraints and budgeting for the rent and stuff, we managed just fine and will be well into our savings in a couple months’ time. Can’t help but feel like a grown up already. Lol.
Hurray~
Commitments aren’t for the weak babies. It is a lot of work. Sometimes, shit work.
This 5 months of living on my own seems like quite an adventure. initially i did it because i have no choice and there wasnt any other options, having a place to stay near my school was just an excuse.
Freedom can be fun but i think its just a phase for me because once that i have total control of my freedom, nothing is done with it. Most of the time i am home and i do not really have the urge to go out or party or stay out late at all. Unless of course it is with my beloved boyfriend when he is not working during the weekends or get off work early, we usually shop or catch a movie and have a decent dinner.
So there were times whereby my cash flow is not really working out and staying at home really help saved quite a bit of money. God knows what and where i spent on when i was out on those days i was going out, there is plenty of groceries to buy and daily necessities that i have to managed with my allowance.
People envy how much allowance i am getting without understanding the fact that i have to deal with everything mostly on my own, bills to pay and gym memberships commitments. I think i should be the one envying you guys who are already my age and above who still have your parents paying bills for you.
Thus, to solve this tiny cash flow problem which sometimes caused great inconveniences, i got myself a job in a club. Not exactly well paying but the work is fun and challenging, i get to see many sides of people and most importantly, with more working capital, i do not have to think twice bout buying the things that i really want and i think it would be fun to bring my boyfriend out to a date for a change. Speaking of which, we have a dinner date tonight and i got to run.
If i was given a choice, i won’t have chosen anything otherwise.
This year, i had the BEST birthday ever in my life.
Thanks to Samantha, Adrian, Timothy and Cheryl who made it all happened. They did a good job concealing their plan and it indeed surprised me. Details and pictures will be on it’s way.
Earl and i went to a Indian restaurant for lunch and i did the ordering, it was funny because we both know we won’t be able to finish the food (i insisted that i can, its just me) but i kept on ordering and he let me. He brought me to a very nice Japanese fusion restaurant complete with a 7 course meal for dinner. It was a wonderful experience. (same goes for details and pictures)
Went to The Loof with Claudio, Nadia, Martel and Lino. It was my first time there and they place was not bad for chilling out and catching up.
My dad text me to wish me Happy Birthday and told me that he had transferred money into my bank account. My granny who gave me red packet, an amount that she had never given to any of my cousins on their birthday.
Very moved by the fact that Ankesh and Jash remembered my birthday because it was not like we were close or anything, they helped me with math once and we spoke a few times and i didnt particularly remembered telling them that my birthday was near.
Alex was one of the first who wished me in school, which also kind of took me by surprise, and did a mini electric rendition of Happy Birthday and told me not to be emo and assured me that i wasn’t going to die alone.
This years’ birthday was as authentic as can be.
Everything from the Chinese Tea Set, Japanese Tea Leaves, PRADA WALLET!, Samsung TouchWiz, Chanel mascara, Baby G, handmade cards, and a big big bunch of red roses.
This year feels much better than the last because i do not have to do any preparations and there isn’t anyone to irritate me at all. We didn’t have to worry about charcoal or if the food is thoroughly cooked. Just pure fun and joy, it was amazing.
THANK YOU ALL! =D
20 years old seems PROMISING!!!!!
xoxoxoxo
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I’m so afraid to be sucked into a pool of commitments all over again. Reporting whereabouts, schedules, people i am spending my time with, plans for the next few days. It is getting awkwardly uncomfortable and i must say, quite a turned off.
Important issue is, single hood means freedom with no strings attached. So please, give me space and stop asking so many bloody questions. PLEASE!
Your reaction to my action is not what i want to see.
Thank you very much and shush.
There is a thorn from China that pricks the shit out of me. There has always been a stereotype in Singapore that China women are cheap and are often just in for a ride to a better life. Either that or they are mistresses and shameless third party for a happy family.
I would love to think that they are otherwise and had always believed that at least the educated ones will be with much more pride and not as shameless.
This thorn have shaken my beliefs, though i still have many wonderful friends who are perfectly nice by nature and they are from China too. Anyhow, this thorn leaves me in much agony being such an eyesore in everything that she does. Even the blind would not have been able to avoid such a flamboyant and shameless personality.
Fundamental values seems to be of non existence.
Relationships and love are a big deal to me, like a continuous flight with that one person whom you can rely on in whatever circumstances, like having a psychic by your side. It is such a big deal that i fear commitments because as sweet as exclusiveness is, responsibilities along with obligations of many many things comes together as a whole package as well.
You might say that only true love has the selflessness and courage to be able to pull through all that and stand the test of time. In my opinion, commitments need a whole lot of sensibility and time, none of which i have any of.
Life is short, why cling when you can have it all.
Now my laundry is half a mountain lesser, it has been two freaking weeks since i last did any washing. I love coming home to an empty house, somehow it makes me feel peaceful like i can totally relaxed myself.
School is something that i looked forward to on most days even if it means waking up early in the morning, skipping breakfast and eating shit food at school. I feel really glad to be able to be young and still having money from my dad and opportunity to have a second take at searching for my true interest and i think this might be it.
No matter how tired i get these days, i still try to hit the gym. I lost the tiny weight that i gained in just 2 trainings. ^.^
My dad is giving me a PLATINUM CARD. WHOOHOHOHO!
Seeing him in a bit to sign for the application. Hope that he doesn’t tell me that it is an early birthday present though, i will cry.
The handphone is dying on me…
Anyhow, Happy Birthday Zhengjie!
Recently my nights have been filled with sleepless nothing-to dos. Living alone is still quite an experience thus far. I find it hard to summarize my life now in words, my flair in writing gets worse as i get better at equations and formulas.
It was shame not to put in any effort at all to study when i was doing my ‘O’ levels back then, knowing that it could have got me further than where i am now. That is why i really treasure this opportunity which almost feels like God sent.
My relationship with my closed ones are getting better these day and probably because i am happier by nature now that induces such positive change. Though at times it is hard for me to be fair and give my attention to everyone that needs some.
I want to do more for my friends but my time and energy is overly stretched these days. To the extend, sleeping is a waste of time because i can do more with that time well spent.
Single hood is exploding with freedom. Relationships was tormenting me and i think i am scared to indulge in anything serious for at least a long long time. Never felt so free for a long long time. No obligations, no commitments and no responsibilities. Being irresponsible is my favorite past time.
So please just let me, be here at wherever i am.
And be nice to me. (=
